Saturday, January 31, 2009

The most amazing icicle. Ever.

We have an icicle hanging from our front porch that is almost touching the ground.

It looks like a cyclone and also like the tusk of something ancient and extinct.

I want to break it off. I am not strong enough. This frozen water has bested me.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Pinch Punch: Chapter One

The door is always latched at The Pinch Punch

Guests are permitted:

One (1) rollerboard filled with personal items.

One (1) typewriter, (electric preferred), which MUST at all times be kept in the communal bathtub. If someone needs to use the typewriter and someone else is bathing, toweling off must commence immediately. Should any resident become annoyed with the number of typewriters “littering” the bathtub, that resident will be painfully ejected by means of a kick to the pants from the roof deck.

One (1) FAUX fur jacket. Faux is not a creative way of spelling fox, ladies.

One (1) jumbo-sized tub of bulking agent.

One (1) tackle box to house and organize prescription medication.

One (1) carton of ULTRA LIGHT cigarettes (no more than one (1) carton may be imported across the border of The Pinch Punch per day). You’re going to smoke. I can’t stop you. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to make it easy for you.

One (1) small pet. Examples of small pets include: teacup piglet, marten, hedgehog, tiny monkey, cat WITH ITS PITUITARY GLAND REMOVED (see TYRA if you need this operation performed on a kitten). Examples of non-small pets include: pony.

One (1) item that has been appraised at a value of more than $1,000. You MUST surrender this item to TYRA for display in the pawn shop upon signing contract.

One (1) item of questionable existence. Examples of items of questionable existence include: plants that move of their own volition, perpetual motion machines, love potions.

One (1) bottle of Kentucky bourbon. NO Irish whiskey permitted. It is my one (1) weakness.

One (1) switchblade.

Visitor policy:

Only residents of The Pinch Punch are allowed at The Pinch Punch.

Contract variation (Tattletale clause):

Everyone has a slightly different contract, so IF YOU SEE SOMEONE DOING SOMETHING EXPRESSLY FORBIDDEN IN YOUR CONTRACT DO NOT SNITCH or take the law into your own hands.

Showering policy:

Showers are communal and located in the bar. NO SHOWERING IN SWIMWEAR—EVEN BIKINIS. That is unsanitary. You must shower at least once a week.

If you have body issue problems, see TYRA to set up a counseling session or two.

Broken switchblade policy:

Wall-stabbing usually leads to broken switchblades. If you must stab, stab a pillow, a human, or a small pet. Those are soft. DO NOT STAB MATTRESSES as these are expensive to replace. If your switchblade breaks, see TYRA in the pawn shop. If there are no switchblades available, consider yourself defenseless.

Multiple switchblade-breaking incidents lead to revocation of switchblade privileges. You may break up to fifteen (15) switchblades throughout your stay at The Pinch Punch. TYRA keeps a running tally in a book that she keeps in a safe with an unbreakable lock, so do not even try to get around this rule.

Exercise policy (“Tennis anyone?” clause):

You should probably just do some jumping jacks in the court yard. NO JUMP ROPES permitted.

Pinch-Punch policy:

Each day upon rising, come to the bar for your morning Pinch-Punch. I do not have to tell you what Pinch-Punch is, beyond the fact that you drink it, and it has mind-altering properties. It is a proprietary secret.

Each night upon discovering weariness, come to the bar for your evening Pinch-Punch.

Twice-daily Pinch-Punch-drinking is MANDATORY. I don’t care if you get a tummy ache, or if your old-fashioned traveling preacher of a father told you that’s how the devil gets inside you. You don’t imbibe, you don’t survive.

ALL Pinch-Punch recipes are top secret and kept in a SEPARATE safe with an unbreakable lock in an undisclosed location.

Friendship policy:

No one at The Pinch Punch is your friend. Not even your sister. If you forget this for even one second, it is EXTREMELY LIKELY that you will be stabbed. Acquaintanceships may be struck up, but they are not binding.

Stabbing policy:

The Pinch Punch will not be held responsible for any stabbing incidents. That counts for both stabbing and being stabbed.

Unlicensed doctor policy:

There is only one (1) unlicensed doctor in The Pinch Punch, and that is TYRA. If you are caught practicing unlicensed medicine, you will be grabbed roughly by your collar and waistband and unceremoniously ejected from The Pinch Punch roof deck.

Room and board policy (“What’s in it for me?” clause):

One (1) twin bed. If you strike up an acquaintanceship with another resident and need a larger bed, see TYRA. You will be ejected from the roof deck.

Two (2) Pinch Punches per day.

Three (3) pieces of advice from TYRA. These nuggets are dispensed over the course of your ENTIRE STAY and are recorded in a SEPARATE notebook, but kept in the same safe as the switchblade notebook (that one I mentioned earlier with the unbreakable lock.)

Unbreakable lock policy:

We do background checks. If you’ve ever cracked a safe, you will be ejected from the roof deck.

Roof deck policy:

Only TYRA and guests OF HER CHOOSING are permitted on the roof deck. A word to the wise: If you are invited to accompany TYRA on a roof deck outing, the chances that you are about to be ejected are high, but it isn’t by any means a sure thing. Sometimes she is just being nice.

Arbitrary rules policy:

From time to time, TYRA may find it necessary to make new rules. These rules will be disseminated in The Pinch Punch Weekly Newsletter or slipped over the transom of your room. IGNORANCE IS NO EXCUSE.

TYRA’s pet policy:

TYRA settles on one (1) resident to follow her around sort of like Igor or a teacup piglet until that person does something (stabbing mattress, practicing unlicensed medicine) to cool her ardor.

If you find you are that resident, watch your back.


Sunday, January 25, 2009

Muffin Top Stopper

My friend Mindy is an inventioneer. Also, she can sew:

Do you feel bloated? Are you slightly pregnant? Then the Muffin Top Stopper(tm) is the product for you! Just button it on to your own pair of jeans for an extra inch of comfort.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Depression hurts

I am adding a second story to my house in my spare time (as soon as the pulled muscle in my index finger heals), to better entice you all to come live here. You may have to adapt your wardrobes for splinter avoidance--I'm thinking three-piece suits made of sandpaper--but otherwise it should be perfectly comfortable. Possibly a bit windy. But don't you agree that humans have become total wusses in terms of weather? Also, the floor will be really uneven because I am scared of what will happen if I cut off my roof. There are probably loads of mummified crazy people in the attic.

In other news, I got your hopes up about a museum of miniature horses. I read it wrong. It is a museum of miniature houses. That is seven billion times less fun.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The official sign of Venom Literati

It is Capricorn. If you are a member of VL whose birthday does not fall under this star sign, you should really consider having your birth date legally changed.

Other options include changing your first name to Cappy, growing a billy-goat beard, eating tin cans, and having a hoof transplant. Upsides: People might think you are a faun, or the devil.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

New Favorite Animal

I have a new favorite animal, other than the Gato. He is the flying lemur! Really he is a Colugo. He doesn't fly, nor is he a lemur. He just appears to fly while gliding from tree to tree to tree. He can also climb the trees. He is awesome.

Happy people are people who are animals. Such as my parents' dogs, roaming the countryside and stalking squirrels and snakes and slow-moving vehicles.

Friday, January 9, 2009

The key to being a good citizen

I have been writing a personal to-do list for the last week, and I am now officially way more organized than you. Nyah nyah.

I am also filled with that sense of personal satisfaction that has always seemed beyond my grasp. Happy people are people with calendars. They make precise check marks next to things they actually do.

I hope you are prepared for me to become the perfect version of myself this year. You will probably become very jealous. I will remain gracious and you will like me in spite of yourself.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

A lion roared really loudly at me and Kathy

So, when Kathy came to visit, we ventured down a gravel road to see exotic cats in chain link cages eating horse legs and rib cages. It was muddy, our tour guide was a cross between hippie and teenaged boy (in demeanor, not age, if that can happen), who constantly was trying to draw the animals out, presumably to give us a show.
These were the disturbing things that happened:

1. We saw a full-grown lioness fall off of the giant equivalent of a kitty condo, hitting her back on one level and then landing sprawled on her side--because the dude was in a prohibited part of the cage.

2. He petted (pet?) a cougar. Around the ears. Like it was a harmless kitten.

3. A lion growled loudly at him ("He doesn't like me."), and then we all had to walk past the clearly very angry lion that was eating a huge bloody piece of meat with nothing but chain link separating us. He lunged a couple of times at other patrons, but not at us.

4. He was always ripping sticks out of the ground and pushing them through the fencing to poke at the lions and tigers and stuff.

5. He encouraged a stalking game with a tiger that culminated in the tiger lunging at full height, with all of his weight, against the chain link fence, multiple times.

I sort of loved it.