I would just like to deny rumours that Lindsay Lohan and I are getting married at Dollywood this summer. She is reportedly getting married to a different woman whose tooth gap is not nearly as cool as mine. I think Lohan's like 21 though, so she will be mine in time for her third marriage, and then I won't have to star on Dateline's To Catch a Predator. Are there any young ladies out there who want some Mike's Hard Lemonade? Ok, I'm going to go watch the director's commentary on Mean Girls for the 17th time.
