Guess what, my sweet bitches? It's time to write another letter, this time to our soon-to-be new-best-friend Wayne Kostenbaum.
I will start. Also, I will make a rule: You may not use any articles (a, an, the), like in Hotel Women.
Dear Wayne Kostenbaum,
Which column did you write first? Or was it all higgledy-piggledy?
i don't know what to say to wayne yet. i haven't finished hotel theory. i will think of something to say soon and report back.
ReplyDeletecan we write it at the meeting? then we can get everybody's input.
ReplyDeletealso, to answer your question, yes. i am totally a hotel woman. i think you are, too.
ReplyDeleteOh, all right. Guess that means I have to work.
ReplyDeleteThat means he won't be invited to the meeting, though. We should get a stand-in. I don't know anyone named Wayne though. Maybe you should call Apartment People, Megan?
ReplyDeleteThat Eurythmics song about rain is playing at Alliance. Sometimes the music here makes me want to get a day job.
ReplyDeleteAlso, there is the poster on the wall advertising a band called "spokane" in a sans typeface, possibly Helvetica, that I find disturbing and personally offensive. If whoever made that poster and started that band had ever been to Spokane, he or she would know that that city is a cesspool which only allows serif fonts. Also, it does not rhyme with cocaine.
ReplyDeleteMaybe if people were allowed to talk at Alliance the music wouldn't be so oppressive.
ReplyDeletewe have to write the letter before the meeting so that we can invite wayne.
ReplyDeleteThat's a good point, Sarah. I'm going to start talking to myself and see if anything happens.
ReplyDeletewhat does spokane rhyme with?
ReplyDeleteIt rhymes with can.
ReplyDeleteDid you get shushed?
ReplyDeleteYES! Oh no. It's happening again.
ReplyDeleteoh yeah, i forgot about the meeting-invitation. i just wanted to include missy and abby in the letter-writing since it's always the 3 of us. maybe we can write the follow-up at the meeting.
ReplyDeleteHere are my additions, to be added in any order and edited if you like:
ReplyDeleteWhoa--Hotel Theory--whoa--we are waaaay smarter now, Wayne. We have also all devolved into Hotel Women.
AND:
Megan is certain that you were her agent at Apartment People in Chicago when she first moved here. You tried to rip her off with a studio by the lake for like 900 bucks a month. You were wearing that same pinstriped suit and smarypants glasses you're wearing in your Hotel Theory photo. She thought you were lying about your name being Wayne. We still believe you may be lying about it.
AND:
Liberace will be at the meeting, too. Or if he is not, there will be a blowup doll in his likeness. Also, there will be vats of suntan oil we can rub on his ass in unison.
oh yeah, i forgot the a/an/the rule. whoops.
ReplyDeleteWhoa, Megan, I think you may have single-handedly completed the letter.
ReplyDeleteWhat if it says:
Dear Wayne Koestenbaum,
Whoa--Hotel Theory--whoa--we are waaaay smarter now, Wayne. We have also all devolved into Hotel Women.
You're invited to come to our meeting at which we will discuss it. We will ask you questions, like: Which column did you write first? Or was it all higgledy-piggledy?
Liberace will be at meeting, too. Or if he is not, there will be blowup doll in his likeness. Also, there will be vats of suntan oil we can rub on his ass in unison.
Megan is certain that you were her agent at Apartment People in Chicago when she first moved here. You tried to rip her off with studio by the lake for like 900 bucks per month. You were wearing that same pinstriped suit and smartypants glasses you're wearing in your Hotel Theory photo. She thought you were lying about your name being Wayne. We still believe you may be lying about it.
Come to our meeting to prove you're not.
Your friends,
Venom Literati
Any and all additions are welcomed. We'll hold off on sending it till Thursday so Missy and Abby have more opportunity to respond.
I just noticed that not using articles kind of gives the writing voice a Rohrschach flavor.
ReplyDeleteReading left side makes my brain hurt. I am avoiding it so I can at least talk about right side. Does it have something to do with whether I am right or left brained? I think it's no-brainer....left column = boring! Maybe if Sarah hadn't hogged book for first week I would have had time to look up all of fancy New York City words....snobby.
ReplyDeleteAbby, I love the left side. Maybe you have some kind of aphasia where you can't read left columns. Did you try turning the book upside down and reading the left side upside down?
ReplyDeleteit's way better upside down. and you also learn to read hieroglyphics by reading it that way.
ReplyDeleteother people should add to the letter. kathy, i know you have things to say to wayne. and we should say more about how we are hotel women.
meghan austin, are you coming on friday? sarah and abby's back porch at 8.
ReplyDeleteenglish@gc.cuny.edu
ReplyDeletethis is the english dept's email address at CUNY. i can't find wayne's actual address.
we can also mail and fax it to wayne's attention. because hotel women fax.
Ph.D. Program in English ~ CUNY Graduate Center ~ 365 Fifth Avenue ~ New York, NY 10016-4309
phone 212.817.8315 ~ fax 212.817.1518
we should also plug our blog to him, and to all our writers.
Word. Also, I found his personal email address. And his phone number.
ReplyDeleteWho's Meghan Austin? I heard she's secretly the tallest of everyone.
ReplyDeleteOh, shit. Are you still in the Zacopane maze? Also, is that where we're going to discuss our TOP SECRET PROJECT on Sunday?
ReplyDeletei vote for zacopane maze. because we have to smoke constantly to complete this thing.
ReplyDeletethen if we are in the neverending zacopane mazem, our lives will also have meaning forever.
it can be a children's book: venom literati and the zacopane maze.
i love you:
ReplyDeleteeveryone
also:
ReplyDeletei hate the left side
i do not have anything to say
today i am against:
metaphors
meat
punctuation
line breaks
vinnie lacey
I was thinking...this is a pretty hotel woman-y stream of comment boxes. I sort of want to send Wayne the whole thing.
ReplyDeletethis is my addition, if the letter hasn't already been sent:
ReplyDeleteMissy was disappointed that Cheryl was lame in book. In real life Cheryl stabbed that guy named Johnny Stompanato with kitchen knife, which actually makes her awesome.
I'm sending it now.
ReplyDeleteAlso, our fax machine is broken, so could someone fax it to him?
ReplyDelete