Tee Minus, comin' atcha

First off, I have a new signature. I got totally jealous of Kathy's supercool sign-off (k+), so from now on, I am Tee Minus.

Awesome, yes? Yes.

Second, here are a couple of Missed Connections I wrote this week.

The parking garage one made me almost unbearably sad because nobody got the joke. (It's an Automated Voice, folks. Get it? Maybe it's just not funny.)

This one about someone's teensy hands also makes me sad because Abby really did say that my new perfume smells like a hamster cage. And Kevin really did say it smells like sneezes. And Jeff really did say it smells like baloney.

I am going to make each and every one of you smell me at tomorrow's meeting and assess.

Also, I would like to point out that this is the Halloween meeting, so everyone needs to dress like Dr. Manhattan.

Time for tape ball.

xoxo,
Tee Minus

which hills?

i have been sitting in front of my laptop at the kitchen table for too long. i can't feel my right arm. my missed connection is bordering on delirium. it is called you do not know what "the hills" is. that is adorable.

i actually also wrote a sincere missed connection called hot bartender at the underground wonder bar. my goal is to have 100 online boyfriends. nay, 1,000.

someone wrote a stunning response to my mr. magoo post. read it!

you are even hotter than mr. magoo

my new missed connection is you are even hotter than mr. magoo. this missed connection is about a real person that i saw at the goldstar on thursday night with meghan. he was dreamy. so i tried to write a sincere missed connection, but i only wrote about three lines before the nonsense kicked in. sincere missed connections are boring.

also, look at what someone wrote in response to my "you had rain on you" missed connection. ah, internet love. tao lin must not be angry anymore.

in other news, our iowa city correspondent john gillette has these new posts:
i am sorry i stepped on your dog
i lost you at the silver spider

There's no such word as "businesswoman"

This missed connection afforded me jillions of replies, including one from someone who is fairly prominent and used his real name (unless that dude has an enemy who's subtly trying to bring him down with missed connections):

You remind me of my Daddy, with your pin stripes and your sleek seal's head.

When I look at you, I think of that future morning when we take the Ferrari downtown together instead of rubbing up against less ambitious strangers on the crowded train.

I saw you on the red line at the Grand station today. Let's take over the world together. I would love to be the woman behind the man. And under the man. And on top of the man.

But these two, Alleyway and Stomped Foot, got me nothing (more or less). Except I like them better. They do not make me feel gross, like the one above.

Part of the pleasure of writing these is the responses--but even (or maybe especially) in missed connections, there is the lowest common denominator.

And so we writers of missed connections must make the ultimate choice: the slobber (and other bodily fluids) of the masses or the appreciation of a few. (Please read that last sentence/paragraph in a somber, snooty voice. And then sigh for a long, long time.)

today the sky was yellow and not in a good way

in the city, extraordinary things like rain bring people together. that's what i'm hoping for in today's missed connection: you had rain on you.

i made this one less weird in hopes that people will start responding to me. nobody effing responds to me! the internet is turning out to be exactly like real life. that blows.

is it because megan said that we are smarter than tao lin? megan, i told you that tao lin controls the internet. do not anger the tao.

i am not afraid of fire dancers or love

dear literati,

guess what, i am working with text and image. i am a real artist now. finally. my missed connection yesterday was fire dancer on my morning commute, and it was partially inspired by these photographs by neil kubath, or as he likes to be known, "neil guy awesome."

here are some other missed connections to tickle your gullet:
helping you stretch in the office makes me so happy
i followed you into the girl's bathroom at borders this morning
it is your birthday today

my fire dancer missed connection made me kind of sad. i think the girl in it really is philophobic. that's why she says she's not. that is sad. or maybe she used to be philophobic but she got over it. that is good.

are we meeting on friday? i vote yes. even though i am only 1/3 of the way through the book. why do all you bitches read so fast.

love,

kathy

orange you glad i didn't say banana?

yesterday my aforementioned missed connections mystery man neil kubath wrote you helped me with my oranges and then i wrote this in response. we are adorable.

i typed my missed connection in outlook yesterday and it capitalized "Steve" against my will. and i didn't notice until i had already published it. and it bothers me so much. damn you, microsoft. you win again.

why am i not in a hot air balloon right now

my missed connection today is called sorry i didn't catch you as you plummeted towards the earth.

also, here is the saddest missed connection i have seen so far, and here is the strangest/dirtiest/funniest one. it is from iowa city.

what's that? you don't care about missed connections? well you better start, mister.

you better start.

mr. wizard was kind of hot when he was in black and white

dear literati and friends,

look at my missed connections! the one i wrote today is called you: short balding man with pet bear at rossi's.

the one i wrote yesterday is called you are even hotter than mr. wizard. i wrote this post in response to i was on my way home from the science fair which was written by neil kubath, a friend i made on missed connections! he is funny. he also wrote you: female cookie monster us: children of cookies. it is good.

and the fake missed connections craze is catching on. my friend john gillette in iowa city wrote lost you when i stopped for grilled cheese. it features a rhinestone encrusted eye patch. now you're hooked.

*****

when i first started writing missed connections i made them quasi-believable, and even though they were weird i still got some responses from people wanting to hook up. now i hardly get any, except for one yesterday. it is in response to my mr. wizard post. it is:

"Do you have a photo of you in the kitty kat sweatshirt? I'm 30 and live on the northside. I have a photo to send in return."

sarah and i were just talking about how weird it is to get sincere, straightforward responses to our posts, even though the things we write are clearly made to sound like they were written by crazy people. i believe we could write a case study and sell it to an academic journal firmly committed to phenomonology and laughs.

*****

here is an archive of all my other missed connections to date in case you are a giant nerd and want to read them. i know you do.

i need someone tall to help me put the dishes away
and then someone wrote this in response
you're so funny
if you play the harmonica i would like to give you two dollars
sorry i threw up on you

Redline redhead: Today - w4m - 19

I read somewhere that women are more likely than men to fantasize about sex on the train. Today you were my fantasy. Redheads always make the best lovers.

Me: Artsy chick in a tight shirt reading Ayn Rand. I'm studying to be a snake charmer, and I love dressing up in traditional ethnic costumes for fun. Join me?

[This is my favorite reply]:

My gf and I are developing an adult site and we're networking with people that would be willing to help us with the project, whether doing scenes or video/photo work. I've found that art students tend to be a bit more open about these projects, and wanted to ask if you might be interested in helping us out.

brown eyed boy on the blue line - wfm - 25

Reply to: pers-439237998@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-10-03, 4:11PM CDT

You: Brunette cutie looking bored and adorable on the blue line
Me: Shy shorty reading "What Not to Eat: Diet Lessons Learned from Ancient Incan Child Sacrifice Rituals." As soon as I saw your neutral facial expression I couldn't read another word.

All I've done all day is run a google image search for "hotties of the blue line" but your picture never comes up. I think you need to improve your search engine optimization strategy. If you love David Lee Roth, Wayne Koestenbaum and mummies send me a smoke signal tonight at 8pm.

I will be watching the sky,

V


• Location: division stop
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 439237998

My favorite response:

Well I fit the description: I have brown(ish) eyes and I'm always bored and adorable on the train but likely this isn't me because I didn't happen to notice any girls reading Incan Atkins books.

But HI anyway! =D

Other responses:

is this for real? because sadly enough a brown eyed guy with a neutral face expression pretty much defines my demeanor on the train. and i ride the blue line through division regularly

Wow this fella really impressed you, huh?? about what time did you see this stunner?

Weirdest response:

short caring books