repulsion

Incorporating another Venom Literati theme into Hate Week (which, is it two weeks now?), I would like to ruminate on a celebrity that I hate, but may actually love. That celebrity is Scott Disick.

First of all, his name is hilarious. Clearly I have an immature sense of humor, but come on. Disick. Hehehe. Second, he is a Kardashian baby daddy. Third, he is a snappy dresser. Fourth, his eyes are completely blank all of the time. Fifth, he does awful things regularly, like trying to shove a $100 bill down a waiter's throat, or...actually I can't think of anything else too bad, but Khloe sure seems to hate him, and I'm usually on Khloe's side.

Aside: How did Rob, the Kardashian brother, escape the "K" curse? Is his real name Krob?

Let's concentrate on my third point for a moment. He is a snappy dresser. He is dapper. I look at pictures of him in magazines, and then the looking turns into staring. He wears things like pale pink tailored pants with a lavender and white striped button-down. He looks like American Psycho. He often has a sweater knotted around his shoulders. He is...magnetic. I think he could be a cult leader if he tried. Case in point: Abby also cannot stop staring at Scott Disick once she starts. We arrived at this conclusion separately. Just look at that jacket! That stance! Oh, Scott Disick, how I love to hate you.

Listing of hatred

I hate that when you return from vacation you have so much to do that it instantly wipes away any residual relaxation you might have been hoping to carry over into real life.

I hate that soy milk isn't available as a pour-it-yourself-like-creamer option at coffee shops.

I hate that students don't believe sexism still exists. (Silently wipes away tear, burns bra)

I hate taking over-the-counter medicines. Like, for instance, if I have terrible heartburn and I can't sleep, I will wait for up to three hours before dragging myself out of bed to take some pepto bismol rather than just doing it right away. I also hate taking tylenol/ibuprofen/whatever for headaches.

I hate yoga. Recently I talked to a friend who has to call it "stretching" in order to do it. I am going to adopt this practice, too.

I hate that you have to stay at work for eight hours, even if you are really, really efficient and get tons of stuff done in three hours. It punishes the quick.

I hate it when people leave voice mails just asking you to call them back and not telling you why they are calling. It makes me nervous.

I think I could continue this forever. I hate a lot of things.

hate week: the telling off stories

in celebration of hate week, here is an email correspondence about the virtues of going ape shit. this particular conversation is about a person and situation that must remain mysterious. but the themes are universal.

tell us your telling off stories!

Megan:  i really want someone to tell him off. kathy, have you told anyone off before?  sarah, have you? i have told garrison off at the top of my lungs several thousand times. tell me telling-off stories. i just told gato off for prowling around in my garden and trying to eat my pepper plants which bugs are already eating.

Sarah: Bugs are eating my pepper plants, too.  But I am going to have soooo much zuchinni. The most major telling-off I've ever done was with one of my partners at Brainstorm.  We were full-on yelling at each other, and he kept getting closer and closer to me, and when it was all over, my calves were killing me because I was standing on my tippy-tippy toes so I could be on eye-level with him.  I think I need to re-access my anger.  This is the moral. Tell him off!  Tell him off! Also, all of my gmail ads are about nightgowns, now.  Are yours?

Megan: There are ads for nightgowns? I never want you to go off on me. You'd grow taller and taller with anger like the Incredible Hulk except you wouldn't get more muscle-y. You might not even need to talk: you could just grow and stare through me with that serial-killer face and I would shrink into the carpet like in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. Kathy, if you go off on him I want you to wear a wire. I need to hear it live.

Kathryn: i feel like i did tell him off but i did it in a really calm, gentle voice. so maybe that is not a real telling off. i think the last person i told off was vinnie, and it was when he worked at betuitive, and it was for something like turning the air conditioner off when i wanted it on. i read that self-control is exhaustible. they did a study where they let one group of people eat as many cookies as they wanted and they made the other group eat vegetables while looking at the cookies. they could see the cookies but they weren't allowed to eat them. the vegetable group could do nothing else for the rest of their day because they had exhausted all their energy not eating the cookies. i think i exhaust all my energy being nice, and that if i didn't use my energy on that, i could use it all on not eating cookies. or writing poems. this could be the next diet craze. the fly into a rage diet. "scream at people all day, and watch the pounds melt away!" remember the incan child sacrifice diet? the tag line was "no meat, no maize."

Sarah: I love your diet crazes, Kathy.  I'm going to fly into a rage on the next person who walks into my office and then skip lunch.

hate week

i am filled with hate and depression today. coffee hasn't transformed me. you know what would help? if you guys were all in my apartment when i got home. with a million cigarettes. but that scenario belongs to another universe, so instead, let's have hate week! this is where we all talk about things we hate, and in doing so, we experience solidarity. and friendship. i'll start:

i hate when i have a load of work to do and my office mates are having a champagne/pizza party and blasting madonna music and stomping around in the loudest high heels in the world.

i also hate it when hipsters talk about "obese people" on their blog, like they're making some kind of progressive observation by saying they saw an obese person. hey hipster, you're just being an ass hat.

i also hate it when men in bars call you sweetheart and grope you. next time that happens someone's head's gonna get knocked off.

now, you go!