Thursday, January 31, 2008
Today I made my students write speeches about this weird cat that is probably made out of real cat. This kept them busy so they didn't ask questions about my personal life. I don't know what we're going to do for the rest of the semester.
Shit. Shit. I am becoming one of those boring professor people. I'm teaching American Lit and Culture this semester. I know NOTHING about American Lit and Culture. The wrestling coach was my US History teacher in high school and all I remember from that class is listening to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start The Fire," which comprises all of my knowledge about American History.
I've been scurrying to find every site on the internet that deals with contemporary lit and politics. I spent 6 hours last night making an entire PowerPoint presentation about the Black Arts Movement and Amiri Baraka. (I did not know how to use PowerPoint prior to this. It is friggin' amazing.) And today I'm researching literature of the Women's Movement instead of working at work. I'm reading scholarly articles so I can be smarter than my students. The last two books I ordered from Amazon were "The Columbia Companion to the Twentieth-Century American Short Story" and "The Compendium of Post-War American Culture and Literature."
I have become SOOOOOOO boring in the last 24 hours. I think Power Point is fun. I think the Black Arts Movement and Amiri Baraka are awesome. It is all I can think about. I am totally proud of how boring my class is going to be for my students.
Oh, oh, this is awful. See the guy in the pic? Phil Round? He was one of my English professors in college. He was so smart that even though he was not at all hot, he became hot because of his smartness. He taught the most boring classes like Lit Before 1800 and a whole class on Emerson. These classes were awesome. But the teaching of those classes totally comprised his whole life. He loves Chicago because they have the largest archive of Native American literature in the country, and he comes to Chicago specifically to go to whatever library it's housed in. He was so hot and smart, but all I could think about was that despite this, if I were married to him, I would be SOOOOOOO effin' bored that I would kill him in his sleep.
I am becoming Phil Round. Glub Glub. Please save me, Literati. Make me cool again.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
i have mostly been unconscious since then, but i woke up this afternoon and now that i'm only normal sick i am able to do things like watch television. so i watched sicko. not because i'm sick. that is just coincidence.
anyway, the point is i learned that on top of having cuter haircuts and better music, and being more adorable and sassier, france also has awesomer health care. and nannies that come to your house for free after you have a baby. and a minimum of five weeks paid vacation. and doctors that make house calls. that would have come in handy earlier today when i was crawling to jewel in the rain for some nyquil.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
i am going to indiana tomorrow. whenever i leave town i get nervous and sad. it feels like when i was little and i had sleepovers with my best friend sarah. she lived next door. so even though my mom was like 20 feet away, i still almost always freaked out and ran home in the middle of the night. i didn't have far to run. it was basically just across the driveway.
once i went on a cross-country trip with 3 other people. we were driving from indiana to california. after about 20 minutes on the road i freaked out and begged them to take me home. they didn't. i got over it eventually.
when i have anxiety the one thing that makes me feel better is knowing that other people feel the same anxiety. please tell me if you freak out when have to leave town. i prefer stories that make you sound crazier than me. thank you.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
So I've been on a super-journal/press-research-bender these days. As in: I have been chaining myself to my computer for a couple hours every day to do this research that I really hate doing. It is frickin' painstaking, mostly because I am a big bitch when I look for places to send stuff. I hate most places I find and do a lot of eyerolling and sighing and hair-tearing. (See picture of dude biting his inkpen in half. I look sort of like that.)
My therapist would say these dramatic reactions and also my hatred of so many journals is in actuality some kind of defense/coping mechanism. I think Charles Simic is the only poet my therapist knows. When I tell him how my work doesn't fit with the aesthetic of usual journals and presses because it's off-kilter, he then compares me to Charles Simic and reminds me that Charles Simic is quirky and can also be found at Borders. That makes me really mad. I hate talking to my therapist about writing but it's pretty much all we ever talk about.
Anyway, I found a couple of journals that I do really like today. I love this piece, The Kookaburra's Tale, by Kira Henehan, which appears in Unsaid. I also really like the journals Forklift Ohio, GlitterPony (possibly just because it is called GlitterPony), and ActionYes. I am adding them to our links.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
It is too cold to be human today. Today, I walked my girlfriend a block to her car and she had to drive me back to my place. A polar bear was jump starting another polar bear's car.
The writing assignment is to re-caption this illustration, using as many (or as few) words as necessary. Also, please pick me up and deliver me somewhere that serves a Hot Toddy.
Friday, January 18, 2008
if i was a character on television or in the movies, they would say i had tourettes. but everyone in real life knows that tourettes is more complex than its media caricature. however, i learned today that the compulsive need to shout things like "ba-donk-a-donk butt!" has a name. it is called coprolalia. coprolalia is "the uncontrolled, often obsessive use of obscene or scatological language that may accompany certain mental disorders, such as tourette's syndrome."
also, venom literati corporate photographer neil kubath claims the greek translation of coprolalia is "feces mouth." he takes pictures of himself drinking pee, so i guess he would know.
also, i read the PDF of sleepingfish that's on their site right now. it's good.
hmm. it turns out i didn't have much to say.
sure is cold out...
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
piss down my throat
if my heart were on fire.
Now my heart is on fire
and all I have is PBR
to help forget the pain,
the burning sensation
I get when I pee
because of your
and after drinking
so much horse piss
fall to flounder
with open mouth,
wishing you were here.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
There are actually two; one is the ladies’ and one the gents’: One has black-and-white tiles and is completely disgusting; the other has stone-colored tiles and rust-colored walls and is also disgusting, but somehow less so. The less disgusting one is the ladies’. I almost never use that one, not because I like disgusting bathrooms or have gender issues, but because there is no mirror in there, and much of the reason I go to the bathroom during the day is to look in the mirror. I am hot, and looking at myself makes me happy.
Both bathroom color schemes are pretty masculine. The real reason I know the mirror-less one is the ladies’ is that it used to have pictures of the girls from Sex and the City displayed in frames. These pictures were cut out from magazines. I used to sometimes use this bathroom before we officially moved in because our then-bathroom was even more repulsive than either of the current bathrooms and occasionally could not be suffered. (We used to work on the opposite side of the hall. I snuck across.) When the woman who decorated the ladies’ bathroom moved out and we moved in, she took the pictures of the Sex gals, but left the frames. Now the frames are empty. I sometimes use them as makeshift mirrors when the other bathroom is occupied.
Baby steps away from pee week. Baby steps.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Sunday, January 13, 2008
thanks to everyone for submitting to pee week. to end the week, here is an exquisite corpse poem that megan, sarah and i wrote on toilet paper (click on it to see it at a readable size). we wrote it at the zacopane, which, since the smoking ban, smells more like pee than ever.
Friday, January 11, 2008
I have never been one to pass up a trend. I mean look how I am so fashionably dressed and observe my jaunty and trendy bangs. CUTE!
I have to admit, this is not my favorite picture in the bunch but I HAD to choose this one today. This is indeed a picture of me urinating. NO JOKE! Look at the emptiness in the eyes. I am off in pee pee land. You will see in past pictures that my eyes are locked in embrace with your mind. I am looking into your soul and you can't escape until you get realllllly hungry or coincidentally enough feel the wet and cold sensation of pee pants from urinating on yourself. Don't be embarrassed! It happens to my own mother all the time!
I also look just a little ashamed...just a LITTLE. I am almost never ashamed of my perfect body and it's functions-a-la-beauty and you should consider yourself lucky...it is like Haley's comet or a four leaf clover. Yes. Special.
I think that you are probably wondering WHY I am having my picture taken while using the lavatory. I don't know. It was the photographer's idea...something about seeing all aspects and how agents love the pee look. To tell the truth, he wasn't making a lot of sense but he is supposed to be the best sooo....
sometimes after i flush the toilet i can hear the water run through the pipes very loudly. the vibrations destroy my house. i think about zip-locking my shit and urinating into plants, or the carpet. i think about how much my toilet would go for on e-bay.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
neil kubath is lovely. so is his pee. so is his dog's pee. check out all the pictures he did for pee week in his slide show. i really like the vintage toilet. and the giant fur ball dog. that dog is fluffy.
1. It is generally best to pee on people like waitresses, mail-ladies, or your mother after blaming them for problems that are not actually their fault. Be sure to pee directly on their faces, or up into their nostrils until they drown. If you pee in your cute little sister’s ear, however, do not expect gratification: she will only cutely giggle and say, “that tickles.”
If someone else gets up to pee at the movies, do not be afraid to follow them into the bathroom stall and murder them there by shoving their head into the pee-filled toilet. This is a perfectly acceptable response, especially during any movie starring Daniel Craig.
If someone gets up to "pee" during a dinner party, they are probably just going to masturbate while fantasizing about you. Do not be so impolite as to disturb them. When they return to table, don’t forget to kiss their hand and thank them for their adoration.
4. While on vacation and staying at the home of someone you dislike, peeing in their shower is a lovely way to express your especial disgust for them.
5. The best and most tactful way to initiate a break-up with a current mate is to pee all over his clothes in the closet, paying special attention to creating puddles in his most expensive shoes. Better yet, pee on his clothes and then put them in the dryer. Your mate is obviously an idiot; he will just be amazed that you've done the laundry for once, and won't even notice the pee-smell until everybody else does.
The planter calls
My bladder twitches
Sphincters sleep on watch
The planter hails
My bladder chortles
Salty waste flows
Spreading on flannel
Such warmth, such solace
Guilt floods the senses
Mocking my disgust
So itchy, so cold
ever wonder how pee week started? prathna. lor.
also, zachary german has a good post about pee on his blog.
finally, vinnie lacey wrote a poem about the piss christ, and i just now realized it's a real thing.
there are gaps in my knowledge.
There are a lot of things I would never do with underwear.
There are a lot of things I would never do with you. I would never let you spit in my mouth and then spit back into yours. I would never touch your eyelids while you slept.
When I don’t want to do the dishes, when I am having a panic attack, when I cannot take another second of talking to you, I say I have to pee. When you leave the room, though, that’s when I really have to go.
It is your fault that I have acquired this urge. Before I met you I could hold anything forever.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
could I at least help wet her bellybutton?
I obliged, half-hearted, cringing,
and wiped the after-dripping on my sleeve.
Since then I've spoken to several doctors on several continents
and each has assured me that all babies die, regardless.
I still feel like shit.
My skull is swollen with all this excess sperm.
My mom is coming over.
My pee is made of diet root beer, coffee and tap water.
The multivitamins make it neon.
we'd have beer instead of wine
and bratwurst for unleavened bread.
The Weiner Schnitzel of Christ.
Had Jesus been Mayan
we'd have blood instead of blood
and flesh for flesh.
The Headless Holy One.
Had Jesus been R. Kelly
we'd have shit for brains
and urinate on one another.
The Perverted Prince of Penis.
there are dinosaurs' remains frozen at who knows where up north.
i knew it and i sat at the edge of the boardwalk. where the thing is you can look through.
and i looked through it. waiting for the thaw.
after about a year and a few months there came a huge something floating out there and i knew it.
but i had to pee and when i have to pee i can't enjoy anything.
i ran into the little building where the bathrooms and the do not bathe in me sinks are and i went.
every second is a mystery but why does it feel like i've done this before?
1. A girl with a panicked or telling look on her face who asks to go to the bathroom gets to go; there might be menstruation afoot. However, when a girl brings up menstruation in an attempt to shock me, I respond directly and fearlessly and with eye contact. I do not fear teenage girls.
2. Anyone who asks in a bored way does not get to go. That kid just wants to go walk around.
3. A student who looks to be sincerely uncomfortable gets an exasperated sigh, a look at the ceiling, a full second of eye contact, and a “Fine. Go.” But you can’t make it easy for them.
I brag to them about how I’ve never left class to pee in my 6½ years of teaching, and I emphasize how they have to plan ahead and make use of their opportunities to pee between classes. This, of course, makes me a dick, but if you let them pee willy-nilly then the floodgates open and all hell breaks loose. At this rate, I’m on track to become the asshole principal from “The Breakfast Club” within ten years.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
i speak out loud the following phrase:
you aren't happy when i'm happy.
i speak it out loud and i hear my voice say it and it is one of those times when my out loud voice sounds like someone else's. it sounds like your out loud voice. i am in the middle of walking to the bathroom and i stop in the hallway and try to reconstruct the previous moment:
out loud you said,
i'm not happy when you're happy.
i continued walking to the bathroom and when i got there, i peed.
and got a perfect score.
now someone from Mensa calls me every day.
yesterday i changed my answering machine message to say:
which of these things is least like the others:
squirrel vagina urine
squirrel penis urine
owl vagina urine
elephant penis urine
when the Mensa representative gave his answer,
i picked up the phone.
wait a moment, please, i said.
i came back to the phone and played him a tape recording.
in his voice it said,
i like to eat congealed squirrel vagina urine.
sir, that is disgusting, he said, and childish. this is not the kind of behavior we expect from fellow Mensans.
i said, what? don't Mensans pee too?
Monday, January 7, 2008
Sunday, January 6, 2008
for christmas we got a letter from our fan club. we also got temporary tattoos which we are all going to turn into permanent tattoos. they say things like "read or die" and "literature 4 life." everyone was very pleased to get this letter and the tattoos.
ramona brownbear is one of, and possibly the only, member of our fan club. everyone is very pleased about ramona brownbear being our fan club. we like the story about ramona and the brown bear. maybe she will let us put it on this blog?
thank you ramona.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Please forward the following letter to Lydia Davis.
Thanks and smooches!
Dear Lydia Davis,
Venom Literati would like to invite you to our meeting tonight at Ginger's Ale House where we will be discussing Samuel Johnson is Indignant, as well as the hotly-debated theme of pee in literature. Have you written any pee stories lately? If not, could you please write one that we can post on our blog?
Actually, we might not get around to discussing SJII because we're all pretty much helpless in the face of the smoking ban. In other words, we will be turning to alcohol. Know this, Lydia: We will share with you our Skinny Bitches. When you share a Skinny Bitch, you are bonded for life.
Also, if we were the girl that turned into a tree that then turned into a stone, we would totally be the girl that turned into a gimlet that then turned into a cigarette butt.
Venom Literati loves you.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
(Sorry, that was inspired by Prathna Lor, and also by Kathy's excitement about pee in literature.)
I just spent way too many days in Iowa, and discovered that it wasn't ME all those years--Iowa makes me suck. My symptoms include: short temperedness, dark circles, feelings of aortal explosion, intense awareness of arm flab, saying "that's GREAT!" in a high-pitched voice about everything that is really not great, the desire to flee any and all things remotely related to marriage, and general self-hatred alternating with extreme narcissism. While there, I also experienced NPR withdrawal and overblown cravings for Jolly Ranchers--a lethal combination. Now that I am home, I feel smarter, but all my symptoms still linger, making my usual existence impossible, and especially difficult for my boyfriend, who has offered to murder Iowa for me. Our meeting on Friday will restore me to normal. I am praying for it, just as the Iowans do.
See that picture? My home town under weird, looming clouds? That is how I feel in Iowa.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
i just read the new issue of lamination colony. i like it. i like that the editor (blake butler) arranged the texts in a specific order. i read them in order and i liked how it turned out. and i like that he wrote his reasons for why he picked each piece. and i like that each piece has its own photograph. almost everything is improved by photographs. why are writers so snooty about visual art? like, when i was in grad school, every time i tried to put a photograph in something everyone would turn up their noses and say it "detracts from the writing." that is bullshit. look at that guy. he could only ever add to anything.
i have some hot air balloonist things in it. there is a picture of a hot air balloon. see? good. i liked all of the pieces but i think my favorites were by prathna lor, matthew savoca, brooklyn copeland and minna lincoln. i am glad to be in a journal with prathna lor again. i am glad that he wrote about pee again. i hope to always be in journals with prathna lor and i hope that he always writes about pee. i am not kidding.
also, i read matthew savoca's blog and linked to it. i LOVE the six love poems by benito mussolini. i wish i had it to hang in my living room.