Sarah Palin: bad for polar bears, bad for America

The new presumptive Republican vice presidential candidate hates polar bears! That's all you need to know, people. She isn't even qualified to teach composition at my community college. You need a Master's to do that, not a bachelors in "communications." And finally, are Alaskans even allowed to vote?

Nancy Pelosi, Still Dreamy

With so much attention on Michelle Obama's (kind of boring, I'm sorry) speech, hardly anyone has noticed that Nancy Pelosi, our country's third in command (not counting Oprah), is out kicking ass again, this time about abortion rights. Nancy is such a firecracker.Here's the Saturday Night Live version of Pelosi, in which she recommends Palomino as a safe word.

Blog Crush!

You guys, I love Eliza Skinner's blog. She's funny. She's a nerd. (She says so herself; I am not passing judgment. Okay, even if she hadn't called herself a nerd, anyone who memorized the fear mantra from Dune is a nerd. i did too.) We should all read it regularly. For starters, though, you can check out the thing she recently wrote for Cracked, called The Real World Fears Behind 8 Popular Movie Monsters.

Let's celebrate our birthday with a new book

What shall we read next? I want something sort of frothy.

That reminds me: I recently read Gold by Dan Rhodes, which sort of falls into that category (not life-changing, but pretty good), and then I was unpacking my books and realized that I'd had Anthropology by the same Dan Rhodes on my book shelf since forever. I never read the whole thing because I thought it was boring before. But I read it last week, and it's kind of hilarious. This makes me wonder about my former self's taste.

I think we should read whatever Meghan is reading. I'm certain she's reading something weird.

Why the hell didn't we have a big BLOW-OUT?

WITNESS! Venom Literati-ans CELEBRATING!

Why the hell didn't we have a giant blow-out for the 1 year anniversary of Venom Literati?????? Good question! If Sarah and I can put on gold masks and tiaras and shake our oh-so-sexy boo-tays for my tired old dried out 33rd birthday then certainly we could have donned something and done something for the soft and squishy collagen-filled 1 year b-day of the smartest and best-looking literary collective in the nation and possibly the world!

HELL we all had a TOGA party for no DAMN reason at all! I look gorgeous, I might add.

And check out this party-action from.... that one party......you all remember! Whose boobs are those? Was she even invited? More importantly, whose hand is that and why do I have this picture at all? [Photo removed at request of panicky Sarah, by panicky Sarah, acting as Venom herself. Please note: They were clothed. Still.]

Now I don't want to continue lest this post become too wild and unsavory...I know all of you have real jobs now. BUT I think my point is CLEAR!

Get in a car...(Jen's is the coolest) and get down here for a PARTY before another year flies by! I also suggest that you go back and read some posts from the very beginning and have a good giggle, cause they are funny-funny.

I am not taking notes from you.

Last night I had a dream that Zac Efron called me and told me he was putting on my story as a play. I said I couldn’t remember sending it to him. He said it would need a lot of revisions. Then he came over so I could read for the part of The Waiter. As soon as he got there, my sister writhed all over the floor trying to get his attention. I threatened her so she would leave. Zac Efron referred to a piece of scrap paper that said I was “funny-ish.” Then he gave me the embroidered pillow on which The Waiter’s lines were sewn to read. It was a concrete poem. I told him I couldn’t do it.

I am pretty sure almost all of this swam up in my brain because I’m reading A Streetcar Named Desire.

Pre-Order Stacey Levine's book!

Stacey Levine's book The Girl with Brown Fur is now available for pre-order on Amazon. This is not a girl with brown fur. It's a monchhichi from the internets.

bloggers on bloggers: ryan manning will hurt you with his enormous sentences

ryan manning is an online treasure. he enjoys leaving blog comments in the formula of "the asian (insert name)." oh, everyone loves it.

he also wrote a poem with my name on it! he writes poems with people's names on them. some of my favorites are this one, this one and this one. i wrote a poem with ryan's name on it:
ryan

let's go to a puppet show
the puppets will be wearing delicate shoes
it will make you sneeze a little
it will be funny
there will be a kitten puppet and a monkey puppet
they will do a floating waltz
i will think about my grandmother
and her giant goldfish and feel a little afraid
and wish the sun wasn't setting
the puppet shoes are small enough to fit on my finger tips
that is not relevant
we will still have a good time
and then we'll go to sleep

something you may not know about that you need to know about is that ryan manning wrote a remix of tao lin literature, called this little piggy went to nyu. it's more than just parody. the tao lin allusions lend humor and homage, but the poems themselves are all ryan manning: sweet, delicate, vulnerable, obscene. i like it a lot. here are some of my favorite lines from the first poem:

"a cashew is a kind of nut that can make me cry
especially if i'm already sad about something else
but if i really only love sad things from a distance
i'm going to get away from the first half of my life
and if you are trying to get meaning from this poem
i am tired of living; and i do not want to go back to school
therefore britney spears knows how to create long distances
and i'm going to distance myself from this poem
and create an enormous sentence that will hurt you"


here are some other online writers with sentences that will hurt you:

Blake Butler writes about Mike Bushnell
Brandon Gorrell writes about Colin Bassett
Chris Killen writes about Ken Baumann
Colin Bassett writes about Chris Killen
Connor O'Brien writes about Tao Lin
Gena Mohwish writes about Sam Pink
Gene Morgan writes about Noah Cicero
Jereme Dean writes about Blake Butler
Jillian Clark writes about Kathryn Regina
Justin Rands writes about Matthew Savoca
Kathryn Regina writes about Kendra Malone
Ken Baumann writes about Jereme Dean
Kendra Malone writes about Brandon Gorrell
Matthew Savoca writes about Gena Mohwish
Mike Bushnell writes about Zachary German
Noah Cicero writes about Shane Jones
Sam Pink writes about Justin Rands
Shane Jones writes about Jillian Clark
Stephen Daniel Lewis writes about Two Tears Boy
Tao Lin writes about Gene Morgan
Two Tears Boy writes about Connor O'Brien
Zachary German writes about Stephen Daniel Lewis

Best Segment Host Ever: Mary Carillo

I know I said I'm not a sports person when I was talking about The Thorpedo earlier, but the more I think about it, the more I believe that I actually am a sports person. I am just a sports person who does not like to watch football or basketball, which limits my options unless I get a much more detailed cable package.

Case in point: Mary Carillo has long been my favorite tennis commentator (except for the truly awesome John McEnroe). Her deep man-voice soothes me. Much to my glee, she is on at ten to nine (ET) every Olympics night, teaching us about China. She is...practically undescribable, but I'll try:

1. She dresses like a plainclothes nun.

2. She has the kind of sense of humor that makes you feel embarrassed while you're watching her.

3. She truly established rapport with the world's tallest man.

4. She is always only pretending to do things (like eat scorpions or cuddle with pandas).

5. She is credited with coining the phrase "Big Babe Tennis" to describe all of those massive ladies who dominate the court (that's from Wikipedia).

Also, I'm pretty sure that Bob Costas has a longterm, unrequited crush on her. I can see it in his eyes.

Poets cheat, too--just like underage Chinese gymnasts

That title is a stretch. But check out all the evildoings of poetry contest judges on this foetry page. It is no surprise to me that Jorie Graham is most scandalous of all. I heard she makes applicants to the workshop submit a photo with their application. I always wondered why the male poets were all so hot...

Australian Diver Melissa Wu is my favorite Olympian

She probably eats 12,000 calories in a year, not a day. I worry about Michael Phelps accidentally stepping on her.

Writers, Take a Lesson From Michael Phelps

I am tired of watching that Phelps on the medal stand. He is even tired of himself. You can tell. He uses the medals stand as something to stretch against. I am surprised this has not been banned yet, or seen as a sign of disrespect like the US cyclists' mouth-covering.

I was going to write this entry about how much Michael Phelps irritates me, and how the only thing I like about him is what I learned about him on a Today show interview: that before he won the 200 free, he was listening to Lil Wayne on his headphones. I like to picture Michael Phelps rapping like Lil Wayne, only with a really bad lisp. I like to picture him saying "pussy" and "venereal disease" and "Nigerian hair." I am pretty sure Michael Phelps is an amazing rapper.

So like I said I was going to write about how much I don't like Michael Phelps, but now that I am writing this I am pretty sure I love him: wholly and completely. It was the Lil Wayne that did it. And his endearing, questionable, co-dependent relationship with his mother, and his mother's adorable tacky outfits. And the stretching against the medal stand instead of treating it like some sacred object.

Okay, now I get it. Now I am getting this new discovery I'm having, this new love of Phelps. It is about that medals stand thing. It is about him being amazing while not being cocky and instead being a dork. He is a modest person. He is tired of himself and his medals. He loves to get in a pool and swim every day; that is just what he does. He is always thinking about stretching and water. Stretching and water make him happy.

Everyone famous should learn a lesson from him, which is modesty. And especially people who are not that famous, like writers who are immodest and braggy and conceited. That is something that irritates me lately a whole bunch. I want writing to be like stretching and water to me.

Also, finally, and most importantly, Aaron Piersall is totally hot. Michael Phelps is not hot.

I miss The Thorpedo.

I’m not really a sports person, but when the Olympics are on, I feel obligated to watch every single second of them. This means I form personal attachments to athletes like Ian Thorpe (from, like, eight years ago, but I can’t let go.) I have figured out that my love of The Thorpedo is still affecting my feelings for Michael Phelps.

Both of these people are swimmers. You know that. They had a rivalry a while ago before Thorpe retired, although it seems to me like maybe Phelps shouldn’t have been born yet back then. I was absolutely on The Thorpedo’s side. I loved his pointy face and poky hair. I loved his accent.

Last night when Phelps destroyed Thorpe’s world record by like a million seconds, I got really angry, and this made me realize that it isn’t just that Phelps has to eat 10,000 calories a day to maintain his weight that makes me dislike him. It isn’t his friendship with the bicep-kissing Grevers. It is still The Thorpedo. It will always be The Thorpedo. I really like saying The Thorpedo.

Kafka's porn

Kafka liked girl-on-girl porn. Yeah, who doesn't. I wish I had known that before I got this stupid beetle tattooed on my arm.

The mower borrower

I just spent 30 minutes mowing a 6x7 foot space. It is approximately 2/5 of my front yard. I used a manual mower. I sweated a lot. It made no difference at all to the overall aesthetic of my outdoor space.

Now I have to talk to my neighbor to see if I can borrow his mower. Is there such a word as "mown"?

fun summer fun

you know how on that show dexter he acts like a normal person even though inside he's a sociopath? i'm going to do that with summer. i mean, i'm going to act like you are supposed to act in summer even though i'm dead inside. summer fun! i had a lot of it. i went to the aquarium yesterday with cute toddlers.

and then today megan and i went to andersonville for lunch and shopping. there were lots of sidewalk sales. megan and i both bought lesbian summer shoes and then we wore them out of the shoe store like you do when you are 7. they felt good on my feet but megan said maybe hers make her feet sweat. sucko. also we saw a puppet show. it was awesome. it was a puppet bike. it made me dance a little. also megan got really cute shirts at presence and i got a bag. it irritates me that i can't link directly to the bag i bought, but my bag is like 'the betsy' except the fabric is completely different. it's actually nothing like the betsy except that it's the same shape and i wanted to link to something.

Some Books Are Just Terrible

I won't name names, but Liz Spikol will: