we also need more anthony bourdain

I have a new celebrity crush, and it's another chef: Anthony Bourdain. I realized this after recently becoming obsessed with "No Reservations," his Travel Channel show where he just travels around to other countries, eats lots of food, smokes cigarettes, drinks, and assaults people with his sarcasm while having hangovers. He has all the qualities I have admired in previous celebrity crushes all rolled into one, plus he supplies elements that other of my celeb crushes have never brought to the table.

1. Foreign last name/heritage. (See former crushes: DiCaprio, DiSpirito, etc.) I'm pretty sure I heard that Anthony grew up in the French countryside. That is so adorable.

2. Rebellious nature, evident in black leather jacket, boozing, and chain-smoking. (See: James Dean, Luke Perry)

3. World traveler to the point of basically being an expatriot--(See: Gertrude Stein, Henry Miller, other artist ex-pats) Anthony far trumps Jon (known to those with less intimate relations as Dr. Manhattan) in this regard--abandoning one's entire planet out of a sense of alienation is just not that attractive; it's pretty wussy, but traveling the globe in order to eat food and get wasted is totally hot. Being in the US as little as possible is always totally hot.

4. Hedonist--perhaps my most important crush quality. (Why Jon failed after 4 hours as a crush) I want to roast meat over an open fire in bed with Mr. Bourdain. Then eat it in bed with our hands. There will be gigantic winejugs alongside the bed, and some Playboy bunny types, only French and more natural-looking, bringing us pile after pile after pile of meat.

5. Gigantic ego--a must for anyone I am ever attracted to, including myself.

5. Hot body--(See: Daniel Craig, Holly Madison, etc.) This one reflects my often-extreme vanity: I had great concern about what Anthony would look like naked, since he drinks and smokes so much. I was counting on him having "old man body" underneath the leather jacket, so that while his sarcastic charm could probably woo me for a couple of years into our marriage, after that I would develop a wandering eye. I was pleasantly surprised to find this here naked picture, in which he has a totally hot body for being an addict.

I'm pretty sure Anthony Bourdain is the total package. I'm pretty sure he's my Renaissance Celebrity Crush. Despite my fantasy, however, I am rather disturbed by the presence of that enormous meat in the picture. I am scared of it.