Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Heart attack


Apparently women are dropping like overweight Persian cats due to heart attacks because there are all these new commercials to make us aware that our symptoms are different. Women who look like they are in their mid- to late-30s say things like, "I didn't even have any chest pain. I just felt kind of tired." And then they weigh an old woman, and show us that she weighs 120 pounds, implying that even if you are a skinny little bird a heart attack awaits. Which means...you (the abstract you, the "vous") are about to die.

I took my pulse like 400 times yesterday because I was home sick, the major symptom of my illness being extreme tiredness--I slept for seven hours yesterday during the day, which means that while I was awake my index and middle finger were more or less constantly pressed against my throat. The other major symptom of my illness clearly being paranoia.

This morning I continue to grapple with mortality. I am drinking enough coffee that my whole body vibrates a little each time my heart beats.

3 comments:

Kathryn said...

you are hilarious. i wonder if i'm having a heart attack about once a day. but about a year ago i heard that if you have a heart attack your lung fill with fluid. so i breathe in and if i don't feel any fluid i figure it's ok. but also i can't really remember where i heard that or if i should believe it. i might be having a heart attack right now. what's to keep my heart from stopping? why does it persist?

Tyra said...

i feel out of control when i think about my heart too hard.

Megan said...

just eat a bottle of aspirin when you feel one coming on; then the aspirin will kill you while preventing the heart attack.