Yoga Zombies

We totally missed starring in a yoga zombie video this weekend.

why am i not in a hot air balloon right now

my missed connection today is called sorry i didn't catch you as you plummeted towards the earth.

also, here is the saddest missed connection i have seen so far, and here is the strangest/dirtiest/funniest one. it is from iowa city.

what's that? you don't care about missed connections? well you better start, mister.

you better start.

Water, Shoes, Shoehorns, Iowa: Meaningless Tangentials

So I am trying to drink more water lately. I feel like my insides are full of gunk and that they need to be rinsed or watered down or whatever. It is so difficult for me to drink water, except in the form of coffee. I can drink coffee-water all day, but I have had the same glass of water sitting on my desk all morning and I've barely made a dent in it. The only time I can force myself to drink water is in the middle of the night. I don't know why this is, but it's a super bad idea because then I have to get up and pee a hundred times.

Usually I just go to the closet and pee on my boyfriend's shoes. He has way nicer shoes than I do, and gets upset when he is out in public and people accidently step on or scuff them. He also puts the tissue paper stuffing that comes in the toes back in the toes of the shoes when he is not wearing them. And he has a shoe rack in our closet, which I think is super weird. It seems like something my dad would do.

My dad, I remember, had shoe horns, and also this weird shoe-stretcher apparatus...I don't understand what either of them did for the shoes. Maybe he bought too-small shoes and had to stretch them out? The shoehorn I am clueless about. He also had a ridiculous amount of shoe polish, even a white canister for white sneakers, which is so weird. He was always making me buy suede-protectant for my shoes, which never worked and when my shoes got splotchy he would get angry because I hadn't keep up on the applications. The shoe polish was in this ugly wardrobe that later became the illicit substances drawer when Lala and I lived together in Iowa City. My Dad's shoe polish was next to his underwear (tightie whities), next to which was the top half of a Trivial Pursuit box with a bunch of pennies and cruddy rolls of BreathSavers and--I know you want to know this--a lone condom that was there for years and is probably still there.

Will water help me? Will water save my gunky insides? How can I drink more of it? What are shoehorns and shoe-stretchers for? Please oh please let me know.

500 years old is not very old

so this one guy discovered 3 inca mummies that were perfectly preserved in ice. this happened yesterday or today or something. read about it on yahoo and watch the related video to see the 15 year old girl mummy who i thought was alive when i first saw her. i have issues with all of this.

1. they are calling these mummies "ancient incas" even though they are only 500 years old. 500 years old is not ancient. i am practically 500 years old.

2. these children are not really even mummies because they weren't mummified, right? they were just left to die and then preserved in ice which is why they look like they're still alive.

the first picture is the inca girl that guy found yesterday or today. the other two pictures are mummy mummies. there is a difference.

A Disturbing Phenomenon

I am having this weird experience lately where everything I eat while inside my home tastes the same, or: has the same weird taste attached to it.

I made cookies a couple weeks ago that had this taste. Then today there was some cheese. There are other things, too. There is everything. How these things taste is the same as this smell that is in my house, too.

I can't describe the smell/taste. It's sort of medicine-y. Or detergent-y. But vaguely. It is an innocuous taste/smell, that neither the boyfriend or the kittycat notice.

It did make me think of Stacey Levine. Or, rather, the fact that it's Stacey Levine week made me think of her in relationship to the taste/smell. Maybe because it's Stacey Levine week I am trapped in one of her stories.

I could see her writing this story, only she would write it well, so it would be weird and scary that everything had this same vague smell/taste attached to it. The smell/taste would be so vague one would question the sanity of the narrator. A benign and possibly nonexistent smell that would drive the narrator (ie: me) crazy.

Like how she wrote "Cakes" which is the weirdest and scariest story ever and which I still think is about me.

Stacey, will you write it?

PS: if Wayne doesn't respond, his interview questions automatically go to Stacey. I definitely want to ask Stacey what to do about this taste/smell. Or what she would do about it.

i am only going to read abraham heschel from now on

someone has turned my brain lights out.
when i say "someone" i am not necessarily blaming you.
on the sabbath you are not supposed to ignite or put out a fire.
this includes microwaves.
you can leave your stove top burner on a low flame the night before
for hot soup
but you are not supposed to stir it.
you put a lot of water in it.
you also cannot turn on a lamp
so you have to sleep with the lights on
you should not turn the light off!

all you ever talk about is your kids

• soft skull press found our letter to wayne koestenbaum. they are good. they published hotel theory.

• i like jenny drai's blog 'i was a feral child: that is why i act this way'. she is funny. i found her on jack morgan's blog.

• i like clay bane's blog 'poetry is so boring.' i can't remember where i found him. he is everywhere.

• i like biographia photographia by micah robbins. i like it when people take portraits of statues as though they were real people. that is interesting.

• i didn't really read very much of hotel theory. i have a bad attitude. i read 'you are a little bit happier than i am' by tao lin instead. i like the poems 'i am unemployed,' 'i am about to kill my literary agent,' and 'poem to end my head off.'

if the meaning of life is to have children, then venom literati is collectively meaningless. i like that.