Thursday, October 4, 2007

Water, Shoes, Shoehorns, Iowa: Meaningless Tangentials

So I am trying to drink more water lately. I feel like my insides are full of gunk and that they need to be rinsed or watered down or whatever. It is so difficult for me to drink water, except in the form of coffee. I can drink coffee-water all day, but I have had the same glass of water sitting on my desk all morning and I've barely made a dent in it. The only time I can force myself to drink water is in the middle of the night. I don't know why this is, but it's a super bad idea because then I have to get up and pee a hundred times.

Usually I just go to the closet and pee on my boyfriend's shoes. He has way nicer shoes than I do, and gets upset when he is out in public and people accidently step on or scuff them. He also puts the tissue paper stuffing that comes in the toes back in the toes of the shoes when he is not wearing them. And he has a shoe rack in our closet, which I think is super weird. It seems like something my dad would do.

My dad, I remember, had shoe horns, and also this weird shoe-stretcher apparatus...I don't understand what either of them did for the shoes. Maybe he bought too-small shoes and had to stretch them out? The shoehorn I am clueless about. He also had a ridiculous amount of shoe polish, even a white canister for white sneakers, which is so weird. He was always making me buy suede-protectant for my shoes, which never worked and when my shoes got splotchy he would get angry because I hadn't keep up on the applications. The shoe polish was in this ugly wardrobe that later became the illicit substances drawer when Lala and I lived together in Iowa City. My Dad's shoe polish was next to his underwear (tightie whities), next to which was the top half of a Trivial Pursuit box with a bunch of pennies and cruddy rolls of BreathSavers and--I know you want to know this--a lone condom that was there for years and is probably still there.

Will water help me? Will water save my gunky insides? How can I drink more of it? What are shoehorns and shoe-stretchers for? Please oh please let me know.


Meghan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Meghan said...

water kills! Stick to Heineken.

Meghan said...

By the way, is this a poem? I'm so confused about poetry lately.

flabby-abby1973 said...

No! This is a poem....

(the water)
your butt.

Meghan said...


Sarah said...

I love this post. It mirrors my brain.

Also, I suddenly have tomorrow off, due to unforeseen circumstances. Let's be writing buddies or go out to lunch or something.

Venom Literati said...

abby that is poetry. i give it a 10.

megan you should drink two gallons of water a day. you will feel better.

Venom Literati said...

that was me kathy

Jack Morgan said...

But doesn't coffee make you pee, too? Coffee-water keeps me alive. It also makes my pee smell really good. That makes me happy. When I pee and it smells like a fresh pot brewing, I get happy that I have drunk enough coffee to make it through a whole day. So much my body couldn't even deal. I make it in a French press because it makes me happy, and it reminds me of home. French press takes longer, but it makes the coffee taste like silk, according to my ladybird. I don't know why a spotted insect would like to drink something that tastes like the anal discharge of a worm, but that is OK because it makes her happy.

Keep up the good work. Coffee is good for you. Sometimes I force myself to drink water at 4 AM so that I won't have to eat. I am often up at 4 AM. It also keeps your brain from going bad when you wake up. Alcohol and coffee are bad for your brains.

But coffee is a bronchial dilator. I have bad asthma, and I don't want to take the medicine anymore, but I still want to be bad ass. So I drink more coffee, which I love more than anything else on the planet. Except ladybirds.

Good luck.

Shoe horns cure cancer of the heel.
Shoe stretchers make your back happy as a grain of sand in the mouth of an oyster.

Meghan said...

I don't have internet at home. AT&T says they will not give me DSL. I think it has something to do with that unmarked van that is constantly following me and that spy mission I completed, ostensibly while crop dusting in 1987. Did you go out to lunch already? I think I will be flying north soon to meet some coworkers for beer. Text if you want beer! the code word is: water.

Sarah said...

I had lunch and some beer, but I'm up for more.

I am depressed today though, so you may not want to be around me.

Also, caffeine cures my soy allergy. Completely.

Megan said...

oh i missed so much fun. i could have been a writing buddy to sarah, or eaten limey pinto beans with abby.

i try to avoid my computer entirely on wednesdays and fridays because the rest of the week it makes me crazy. plus wednesdays and fridays i have off, and computer time cuts into coffee time, but then total coffee time cuts into computer fun time. i am reorganizing my schedule now. immediately!