Thursday, November 1, 2007

The Only Cool People at My Job are Victor and Alan

Everyone at my workplace sucks, except Victor and Alan. Allow me to introduce you.

Alan has chicken-blonde hair and is older than me but looks like he is 19. He speaks dramatically about everything he hates, especially the workplace, in the tone of a gossipy mom. He teaches research methods to art students at Columbia, which would be the most hilarious and awesome job ever. I barely know Alan, which is why he is cool.

Victor I barely know also. Victor is adorable and Asian. He giggles a lot. He is a supergenius and always degrades himself anyway. Like he pretends he doesn't know how to use PowerPoint for the benefit of my self-esteem. Victor is so smart and nice. I should have invited him over yesterday when I was trying to refill my ink cartridge in a cheapskate way: with one of those 10-dollar universal refill kits. I just got ink all over my hands. Then I thought I had gotten it to work, and all my printer did was print blank pages.

Jessie is not cool. For one, he is a man and spells his name like that. For two, he scowls around weasel-like all the time. I think he can spin his head completely around like an owl. He should to live in the woods. That way his family can be free of him.

Wow, it is gratifying to talk about people by name. I blame David Markson for this new love.

When Venom Literati becomes a press, Victor and Alan can be in charge of administrative duties. We will not have to ever get to know them, therefore they will be the best and cutest employees ever.


Anonymous said...

The only cool people at my job are Kathy and Jeff and Kevin.

I call Kevin Kevvers and Jeff Heifers now.

I call Kathy Kathy. Sometimes Kayplus.

Let's make Venom Literati a press right now.

Megan said...

when you spell kayplus like that it sounds like a mary kay product. kathy, how do you feel about this? all mary kay products smell like nancy bichler.

Anonymous said...

Oops I forgot Joanna. I like her, too, but I don't know her very well yet. I call her JoJo when she is not here. Soon I will call her that to her face. I wonder if that will make her hate me.

Anonymous said...

Kayplus is an exfoliant AND a wrinkle-reducer. AND a blemish-eraser. AND it smells like Nancy Bichler.

Do you think this is the only mention of her online? Do you think she'll find it? David Markson would not care so neither do I.

Kathy said...

who the eff is nancy bichler.

do not spell my name kayplus unless you want a knuckle sandwich.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Also, Kayplus makes me think of platypus.