Pee: Some General Rules Of Etiquette by Megan Martin

1. It is generally best to pee on people like waitresses, mail-ladies, or your mother after blaming them for problems that are not actually their fault. Be sure to pee directly on their faces, or up into their nostrils until they drown. If you pee in your cute little sister’s ear, however, do not expect gratification: she will only cutely giggle and say, “that tickles.”

2. It is far more polite to pee in your seat at the movie theater than it is to get up and walk in front of people in order to use the bathroom. Many people even enjoy the smell of urine--if you are a lonely, filthy spinster, you may even snag yourself a date by doing a discreet seat-pee! (If the gentleman next to you doesn't notice, it is proper etiquette to announce what you have just done.)

If someone else gets up to pee at the movies, do not be afraid to follow them into the bathroom stall and murder them there by shoving their head into the pee-filled toilet. This is a perfectly acceptable response, especially during any movie starring Daniel Craig.

If someone gets up to "pee" during a dinner party, they are probably just going to masturbate while fantasizing about you. Do not be so impolite as to disturb them. When they return to table, don’t forget to kiss their hand and thank them for their adoration.

4. While on vacation and staying at the home of someone you dislike, peeing in their shower is a lovely way to express your especial disgust for them.

5. The best and most tactful way to initiate a break-up with a current mate is to pee all over his clothes in the closet, paying special attention to creating puddles in his most expensive shoes. Better yet, pee on his clothes and then put them in the dryer. Your mate is obviously an idiot; he will just be amazed that you've done the laundry for once, and won't even notice the pee-smell until everybody else does.