Things to do in Denver when you're drunk

1. Attend the Great American Beer Festival, where you will meet some of the skeeziest nerds on the planet.

2. Spread the use of the word "chach bag" to people from out of town, so that Venom Literati's global footprint increases in diameter.

3. Go to Starbucks.

4. Go to La Boheme, downtown Denver's most high-end strip club, where you can gaze upon 165 (for the most part) extremely skinny young ladies clacking their transparent stacked heels in the air.

5. Spend all night performing a carefully choreographed dance with your hotel mates that revolves around bathroom use and the effects of mixing 47 billion different kinds of beer.

6. Develop an aversion to the phrase "milk stout."

7. Play EightBall, an intricate and just-invented game (by EggBoy and me) that will make pretty much everyone (but EggBoy and me) want to kick your face off. (For rules, email venomliterati@gmail.com. I am an EightBall evangelist.) Hint: It does not involve billiards.

8. I just realized I should have made EightBall number eight. But I am too lazy to switch it.

9. Recognize that people you like tend to marry other people you like, and then be happy about that.

10. Play The Game (known to some as Circle of Death) and feel the restorative effects of watery beer on a body battered by "good" beer.

11. Pet cute dogs.

12. Be disappointed by what Denver has to offer, in terms of culture and cuisine.

13. Be interested in the seeming contradiction of the representative Denverite's basic philosophy, which can be boiled down to, "It's fun to shoot things and also think about peace."