Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Is it possible to be a hotel woman in today's day and age?

Guess what, my sweet bitches? It's time to write another letter, this time to our soon-to-be new-best-friend Wayne Kostenbaum.

I will start. Also, I will make a rule: You may not use any articles (a, an, the), like in Hotel Women.

Dear Wayne Kostenbaum,

Which column did you write first? Or was it all higgledy-piggledy?

34 comments:

Kathy said...

i don't know what to say to wayne yet. i haven't finished hotel theory. i will think of something to say soon and report back.

Megan said...

can we write it at the meeting? then we can get everybody's input.

Megan said...

also, to answer your question, yes. i am totally a hotel woman. i think you are, too.

Sarah said...

Oh, all right. Guess that means I have to work.

Sarah said...

That means he won't be invited to the meeting, though. We should get a stand-in. I don't know anyone named Wayne though. Maybe you should call Apartment People, Megan?

Meghan said...

That Eurythmics song about rain is playing at Alliance. Sometimes the music here makes me want to get a day job.

Meghan said...

Also, there is the poster on the wall advertising a band called "spokane" in a sans typeface, possibly Helvetica, that I find disturbing and personally offensive. If whoever made that poster and started that band had ever been to Spokane, he or she would know that that city is a cesspool which only allows serif fonts. Also, it does not rhyme with cocaine.

Sarah said...

Maybe if people were allowed to talk at Alliance the music wouldn't be so oppressive.

Kathy said...

we have to write the letter before the meeting so that we can invite wayne.

Meghan said...

That's a good point, Sarah. I'm going to start talking to myself and see if anything happens.

Kathy said...

what does spokane rhyme with?

Meghan said...

It rhymes with can.

Sarah said...

Did you get shushed?

Meghan said...

YES! Oh no. It's happening again.

Megan said...

oh yeah, i forgot about the meeting-invitation. i just wanted to include missy and abby in the letter-writing since it's always the 3 of us. maybe we can write the follow-up at the meeting.

Megan said...

Here are my additions, to be added in any order and edited if you like:

Whoa--Hotel Theory--whoa--we are waaaay smarter now, Wayne. We have also all devolved into Hotel Women.

AND:

Megan is certain that you were her agent at Apartment People in Chicago when she first moved here. You tried to rip her off with a studio by the lake for like 900 bucks a month. You were wearing that same pinstriped suit and smarypants glasses you're wearing in your Hotel Theory photo. She thought you were lying about your name being Wayne. We still believe you may be lying about it.

AND:

Liberace will be at the meeting, too. Or if he is not, there will be a blowup doll in his likeness. Also, there will be vats of suntan oil we can rub on his ass in unison.

Megan said...

oh yeah, i forgot the a/an/the rule. whoops.

Sarah said...

Whoa, Megan, I think you may have single-handedly completed the letter.

What if it says:

Dear Wayne Koestenbaum,

Whoa--Hotel Theory--whoa--we are waaaay smarter now, Wayne. We have also all devolved into Hotel Women.

You're invited to come to our meeting at which we will discuss it. We will ask you questions, like: Which column did you write first? Or was it all higgledy-piggledy?

Liberace will be at meeting, too. Or if he is not, there will be blowup doll in his likeness. Also, there will be vats of suntan oil we can rub on his ass in unison.

Megan is certain that you were her agent at Apartment People in Chicago when she first moved here. You tried to rip her off with studio by the lake for like 900 bucks per month. You were wearing that same pinstriped suit and smartypants glasses you're wearing in your Hotel Theory photo. She thought you were lying about your name being Wayne. We still believe you may be lying about it.

Come to our meeting to prove you're not.

Your friends,
Venom Literati

Any and all additions are welcomed. We'll hold off on sending it till Thursday so Missy and Abby have more opportunity to respond.

Sarah said...

I just noticed that not using articles kind of gives the writing voice a Rohrschach flavor.

flabby-abby1973 said...

Reading left side makes my brain hurt. I am avoiding it so I can at least talk about right side. Does it have something to do with whether I am right or left brained? I think it's no-brainer....left column = boring! Maybe if Sarah hadn't hogged book for first week I would have had time to look up all of fancy New York City words....snobby.

Meghan said...

Abby, I love the left side. Maybe you have some kind of aphasia where you can't read left columns. Did you try turning the book upside down and reading the left side upside down?

Megan said...

it's way better upside down. and you also learn to read hieroglyphics by reading it that way.

other people should add to the letter. kathy, i know you have things to say to wayne. and we should say more about how we are hotel women.

Megan said...

meghan austin, are you coming on friday? sarah and abby's back porch at 8.

Megan said...

english@gc.cuny.edu

this is the english dept's email address at CUNY. i can't find wayne's actual address.

we can also mail and fax it to wayne's attention. because hotel women fax.

Ph.D. Program in English ~ CUNY Graduate Center ~ 365 Fifth Avenue ~ New York, NY 10016-4309
phone 212.817.8315 ~ fax 212.817.1518

we should also plug our blog to him, and to all our writers.

Sarah said...

Word. Also, I found his personal email address. And his phone number.

Meghan said...

Who's Meghan Austin? I heard she's secretly the tallest of everyone.

Sarah said...

Oh, shit. Are you still in the Zacopane maze? Also, is that where we're going to discuss our TOP SECRET PROJECT on Sunday?

Megan said...

i vote for zacopane maze. because we have to smoke constantly to complete this thing.

then if we are in the neverending zacopane mazem, our lives will also have meaning forever.

it can be a children's book: venom literati and the zacopane maze.

Kathy said...

i love you:

everyone

Kathy said...

also:

i hate the left side

i do not have anything to say

today i am against:

metaphors
meat
punctuation
line breaks
vinnie lacey

Sarah said...

I was thinking...this is a pretty hotel woman-y stream of comment boxes. I sort of want to send Wayne the whole thing.

Missy said...

this is my addition, if the letter hasn't already been sent:

Missy was disappointed that Cheryl was lame in book. In real life Cheryl stabbed that guy named Johnny Stompanato with kitchen knife, which actually makes her awesome.

Sarah said...

I'm sending it now.

Sarah said...

Also, our fax machine is broken, so could someone fax it to him?