Hotel Theory Meeting Minutes

The minutes of our last meeting, at which we sort of discussed Wayne Koestenbaum's Hotel Theory, are as follows:

1. Within minutes of our arrival at *Disappointing Mystery Location*, Venom Literati (playing the part of the Hotel Women for the evening) realized our obvious mistake: we had not met at a hotel. We vowed to pretend for the remainder of the evening that we were actually at the "W" Hotel downtown. We had also forgotten to dress up like Hotel Women, although Sarah did wear a hotel-womanly ring.

It didn't matter, because clearly we were not at the "W." No, no: we were at *Disappointing Mystery Location*. Our waitress was haggard and rude about having to dry off rained-on tables. While she dried the tables, she kept looking angrily skyward although there was not a cloud in sight. Missy and Megan grumbled loudly about her in the background, as they are wont to do whenever they are together.

Also we could not discuss Hotel Theory at *Disappointing Mystery Location* because the table of social workers adjacent to us were screaming about social work. They were all drinking Diet Coke at a bar, which disgusted us. We did manage to read several of our favorite passages aloud, however, including a reading by the two Meg(h)ans as Lana and Liberace, and Sarah as narrator.

Megan/Lana: I'd like to commemorate [Mr. Lousa], but I don't know where.

Meghan/Liberace: Why not Dolores Presbyterian Church?

Megan/Lana: I don't think Mr. Lousa worshipped anywhere. And I doubt his mourners could fill Dolores Presbyterian. Anyway, Hotel Women's more appropriate. Poolside?

Meghan/Liberace: That could be awkward.

Megan/Lana: It's where I met him.

Meghan/Liberace: You were fond of him?

Megan/Lana: Once you see someone half-dressed

Sarah: said Lana.

Megan/Lana: You take it personally if someone knocks him off.

Meghan/Liberace: Would people attending Mr. Lousa's poolside memorial be allowed to swim?

Megan/Lana: I'll request that everyone wear swimsuits.

We also had a deep and grumpy conversation about why people clap in movie theaters and why old ladies make orgasmic noises while whale watching. We would have to ask Wayne about this. We would also have to ask him what a "convolute" is. Sarah meant to look up convolutes, but looked up the recipe for vodka gimlets instead.

Missy, Jen, and Megan devoured red meat with their hands in front of the repulsed vegetarians. Abby confessed to eating a tuna sandwhich the day before that was still rebelling against her stomach. Sarah and Abby chugged their gimlets and we retired from *Disappointing Mystery Location* in a huff.

2. We returned to Sarah and Abby's deck and drank champagne out of plastic glasses with animals on them. We deserved champagne because we decided are about to become famous, due to yesterday's mention on Soft Skull Press's website.

All of the animal glasses were also labeled with the noise each animal would make, ie: baa, oink, etc. Then there was "Giraffe," which just said "Giraffe." Abby showed us the giraffe noise she does for her wiggle worms, which involves sticking out your tongue really far and making a constipated, "mleh"-like sound, repeatedly. It was good that we were not at the "W."

3. Venom Literati unanimously decided that if we had to make out with one character in Hotel Theory, it would definitely be Jane Bowles. Megan would also make out with Liberace, to see what it would be like, although she did not disclose this at the time.

4. Here are some select quotes from the evening, in no particular order:

"Is rehab cheaper than rent? What about prison? Prison would be AWESOME: you could hang out and write all day and get REALLY buff."

"I always wanted to be a church custodian."

"We cuddle: you just want to go to sleep." (New VL motto?)

"Just think of all the pussy I could've had in those ten years..." (Abby, regarding upcoming anniversary with Sarah.)

"Last week at Stargaze I played pool against a woman in a 'seasonal sweater' with puffy-painted autumn leaves. I also played against her two breasts, which she kept lifting toward her face to speak to. "

"You can't just throw charisma around willy-nilly."

"It was originally Revenge--not Return--of the Jedi. I know. I got the newsletter."

"Why does baby Helena get the last word? Where is Kathy? Kathy would know."

"Move the mouse to watch the lesbian-eyes!"

5. We missed Kathy. Kathy's absence was why we were not on task in discussing the book. We chalked it up to our de-evolution into Hotel Women. We smoked tons and tons of cigarettes.

6. We discussed the bright and famous future of Venom Literati. First, underestimating ourselves, we thought: podcast. Then we decided Venom Literati will be on Oprah someday soon--no, wait--we will take over Oprah's slot. But we will begin with a public access show on Chicago's WTTW. (All of our authors would DEFINITELY fly in to be on the show.)

The set will be as follows: the set will be the Zacopane (dingy Polish dive bar in Logan Square that smells like pee). The first show will feature Tao Lin jumping madly up and down on a motheaten couch, screaming: "I LOVE KATHY! I LOVE KATHY!" There will be a pool table in the background.

We will also give our audience amazing prizes, just like Oprah does. We will run into the audience screaming: "We've got Hotel Theory! Everyone gets a free copy of Hotel Theory, AND cigarettes, AND a warm can of Old Style!!!" The audience will go wild. Or maybe Wayne Koestenbaum should have this honor. That would be awesome.

There will be a segment in which we give "lesbian-eyes" to the audience to determine who is a real lesbian. It will go on for way too long.

7. We discussed our favorite Today Show segments, which I can't remember--someone please refresh me.

8. We ran out of cigarettes. We were drunk. We had to have cigarettes to keep going. We gave up. We slept well, dreaming of Wayne.